Confession

I have been very emotional today....and in trying to figure it out. Several months ago, a friend asked me if I had ever prayed for Amanda to be healed. In recognizing my lack of faith, I did so. Amanda then had a bad seizure and we found out her shunt was disconnected and that the other shunt is working to drain both. After much sickness on her part over the past 2 months, what I realize is that God may have answered my prayer. And quite frankly.... I don't think I really wanted Him to... I love my daughter the way she is. I think my emotions today are really fear of what life might be like without the same disabilities. I think my life might be defined by her disabilities. I find the disability world very comfortable and I understand it and actually REALLY enjoy it. I've always been for the underdog and this gives me an outlet for that. What if my girl changes? And now I realize how incredibly selfish I am to think this way.

The other thing I know from living through the trials is that I am able to experience God in a real way when I have to be dependent on Him to get through each trial. I think I'm afraid to miss out on that as well. Of course, I'm sure God will send something else to get my attention.... but I'm not anxious for that. Laura Story came out with the song "Blessings" that I just heard on the radio over the past week. The song has a really neat message and I know several of you are experiencing your own trials and could use the encouragement. You should listen to it on I-tunes as well. Here are the lyrics:

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plead
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise